


Please, love him

by LW_Gomes



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 乐华七子NEXT | NEX7, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate POVs, Alternate Universe - Merfolk, Angst, Fleeting Love, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Merman!Zhengting, Strangers to Lovers, Unrequited Love, lovers to strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 05:11:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15478395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LW_Gomes/pseuds/LW_Gomes
Summary: There is nothing special about the sea, until there is Zhengting.There is nothing special about Zhengting, so maybe that’s why it doesn’t last.





	Please, love him

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> So, this is my first Zhengkun and, although the idea has been floating in my head for a while, it took many weeks and pauses for me to get it written. It didn’t follow the exact original plotline, but I do hope it is enjoyable. I don’t know if I did it or them justice, but I hope you can comment your opinions so I can improve continuously. I am always open to feedback, so don’t feel shy to be honest.  
> The title is taken from the song “Please, Love Her” by Ha Dongkyun, but the song itself plays no role in the fic. There is, however, a dialogue directly inspired by it.  
> Also, as english is not my first language, I apologize for possible mistakes that I may have missed when rereading this. I’d be thankful if you could point them out to me.  
> I hope you have a nice time reading this! It is all open to your own analysis and interpretations in terms of meanings and metaphors, but I made some comments and explanations in the end notes, so make sure to check them out if you are curious about my inspirations or explanations to things.  
> With love,  
> LW_Gomes.

There is nothing special about the sea, but Xukun has been in love with it since he remembers.

Maybe it’s the way it all seems so big and never ending, the way the shades of green and blue intermingle in the end of the horizon with the brighter intensity of the sky. Maybe it’s how the edge of the waves is so calm and transparent and warm, but the deeper you go in the colder and harsher they get. Maybe it’s how mysterious it can be and how, despite that, it never leaves him behind.

Or maybe it’s none of these things. Maybe it doesn’t need an explanation and he can just allow himself to feel it. To fall in love with no boundaries. Still, his mind keeps searching and searching for a reason, so he often wonders if he will die without ever finding out why fate bound his heart to this impossible feeling.

Oddly, it doesn’t really bother him. Being attached to the sea, that is. It became routine, after a while, to make a small detour on his way home and stay down on the sand, just enjoying the peace and quiet. The waters became his confident, his friend and advisor, seemingly speaking all the words he needed even when all they did was shift a bit further up the coastline, or slam more angrily at the rocks. Be that as it may, it was almost like they were reacting to his emotions. Almost as if they were answering to him the way a lover would: getting angry and sad and happy for him, protecting and cuddling him in ways he’d always welcome. He felt safe there, on the grainy sand that made imprints on his fingers as he laid his weight back on his arms.

There was, really, nothing special about it. But, then again, there was nothing special about Xukun, so he figured that was the reason they were meant to be.

* * *

There is nothing special about the shore, but Zhengting has been in love with it since he remembers.

Actually, that’s a lie. There is something special and he knows exactly what it is. The man that sits on the sand is a mystery that he could never quite figure out. He knows so little yet so much about him that he sometimes forgets that they aren’t actually close, actually acquainted. Zhengting doesn’t know his name, or his age, or what kind of relationship he has with his friends and family, but he knows what relationship he has with the _world_.

He knows that his eyes crinkle up in happiness when the water reaches his feet. He knows that his favorite color is blue from the way he cradles the shells with such tones with special gentleness. He knows that he plays basketball because on Tuesdays and Thursdays he gets to the beach a couple hours later but dressed in sweat and tiredness and exhilaration, and the ball in his hand has a dead teller. Of course, he may not really know what basketball means, except for what he occasionally hears from visitors screaming in the sand, but he likes to pretend that it’s enough.

He also likes to pretend that it’s enough to wonder what his eyes look like from up close, and what the drink he sips every afternoon tastes like, and why he swims so rarely even though he clearly loves it so much. He never approaches him, however, because he knows it’s not his place. Up on the land there is a danger that even the darkest troves underwater cold never hide. Up on the land, there is fear and malice and doom, and even if Zhengting always loved an adventure, he’s not sure he’s quite ready for this one yet.

So he waits.

* * *

Meeting Zhengting is an accident, the biggest coincidence he’d ever been involved in, and the best one as well.

It’s a whirlwind of feeling because, one second, he is floating calmly in the waves and, the next, he feels them come at him from every side and he’s suffocating, but too disoriented to do anything. Then, there’s delicate hands pulling him away from the mess like an angel that saves a man from within a tornado, in a way that seems impossible and really was. He opens his eyes through the stinging from the salt water and sand that stuck on his eyelashes, and the sun is so bright it’s blinding. It reflects on the man above him like a halo, but also gives the illusion of glittery crystals all over his face as it hits the droplets of water on his skin. He is beautiful, as beautiful as Xukun could ever imagine someone to be, and he suddenly doesn’t know if he’s breathless because of the jump scare or the beauty in front of him.

\- Are you alright? – His eyes are sweet but his voice is sweeter, and Xukun coughs a couple of times as he reorients himself.

\- Yeah. Yeah, I think so. – His head is fuzzy, as if it’s still floating in the water he was saved from. The other smiles kindly, ‘ _I’m glad’,_ before sliding back and away from him with such smoothness that it’s almost as if he hadn’t moved at all. There is some sort of adorable elegance in the man in front of him, the sort of gracefulness that only genuine people are able to showcase.

Xukun raises himself on his arms with more effort than usual, body heavy with the strength used before, trying to follow the man’s movement with his eyes. He wants to ask a lot of questions; who are you, why did you save me, _how_ did you save me; and more than that, he wants to thank him. All of that, however, is lost when his eyes focus on the other more clearly.

\- W-What are you? – His voice sounds weird even to his own ears, too nervous and shocked, but also curious. As he speaks, he sees the surprise that makes the former widen his eyes, water splashing furiously as he throws himself back on the sea and sinks.

He wants to understand it all. To meet this person with eyes that shine like the rocks in the horizon and that gives off an aura that’s so comfortable it feels like home. In a way, it’s as if he’d known him already, but Xukun would remember someone like him. He looks at the rippling water as the man slithers away and thinks “come back, please”, but it gets stuck in his throat that’s rubbed raw in salted water.

For a second, he almost considers throwing himself after him.

* * *

Meeting Xukun, actually meeting him, was anything but a coincidence.

It’s a day like any other, but a different day all the same. The sea is angry, like it always gets when this time of the year comes around and the cold winds shift its direction. Still, like usual, Zhengting makes sure to watch over him. He sends calmer waves in his direction and throws himself against the harsher ones to stop their momentum. He breathes in the cold fresh breeze that rubs against his freezing fingertips as he raises his head to look at the warm sun.

It’s in one of those moments that he loses control and, when he notices it, it’s way too late to reel the sea in. The ocean swallows Xukun like a starved man, hiding him in blue waters as it throws him on the sand before pulling him back in. It takes Zhengting a couple of seconds to react, but when he does, he dives head first in the ring of water that swirls contentedly, and pulls the man up into his arms. He pushes up the sand with the back of his tail. It’s a known pain from all the times he has to hoist himself up without using his arms, so he doesn’t react as he lays the other calmly on the edge of the shore. Like this, the water coming up his waist and going back down, it’s almost like the sea wants to claim him back, but Zhengting is stubborn and selfish and he’d never let it do that, even if he doesn’t blame it for wanting, for trying.

Xukun opens his eyes and he is everything he could want and more. He is so, so lovely up close that Zhengting wonders if the people he hears singing about the beauty of merfolk haven’t actually got it wrong this whole time. He gets so lost in him that it’s only when he turns away to give him more breathing space and the other pushes himself up, adopting a surprised expression, that he remembers the reason he’d never approached him before. He plunges in the water and slithers through the sand until he’s at a safer distance, before cautiously peering at the man from just above the water.

He looks scared, confused and rather breathless, but that could all be from the happening from before so Zhengting doesn’t run away yet. Instead, he stays still against the growingly revolted water. He waits with bated breath as the other holds the future of their relationship in his hands, and hopes the curious wonderment in his eyes is true and strong enough to create something.

\- Are you a mermaid? Or… Merman, I think? – His voice carries over the rush of the waves like a beautiful melody and, just like that, Zhengting is not afraid anymore.

\- I am. – He allows himself to approach cautiously, seeing the other start struggling to stay upright. As if cued, Xukun lets his body fall back down on the sand and breathes deeply, waiting until he sees the beautiful man again.

Their eyes meet and, for some minutes, they only stare at each other. Then, like a bottle that falls and spills everything out with no control, Xukun’s words flow in an unstoppable monologue. The merman simply stares at him with barely concealed wonder, as if he can’t imagine this reality, so his answers are few and far between, but all filled with so much emotion that even his silence has meaning.

The night falls in quicker than a blink, but, when it does, it feels as if they’ve known each over for a thousand lives and more. It’s weird, honestly, how the shock and awkwardness and fear slowly gave way to the beginnings of a friendship, but Zhengting is not about to complain. Especially not when the glint in Xukun’s eyes almost makes him believe that he may fall for him too.

* * *

Months later, Xukun still doesn’t understand why he acted so calm when meeting Zhengting, but he is thankful to his past self.

Lonely afternoon’s sitting in grainy sand and swimming in cold waters slowly became resting on the biggest stone he could find as the other flittered around him. The waves received him like an old friend, but he never noticed them because he always focused more on Zhengting’s smile. It was strange. He’d never had expected that his lonely self could create such a deep bond, but as he went over his week’s happenings with the latter, he couldn’t imagine anyone else to take over that spot.

Zhengting was… Zhengting was everything.

He was the embrace of the sea that had protected and listened to him for so long. He was a breath of fresh air, a refreshing gust of wind that cleansed his soul of all problems. He was carefreeness. He was trying to hold his breath under water as much as he could, because Zhengting’s grin as they picked shells from the seabed was beautiful even through the bubbles around them. He was holding his hand as he pulled him in dangerous deep waters and trusting him to deliver him back safely.

He was love. All that Xukun had ever imagined love meaning: freedom, comfort, peace and exhilaration, all wrapped into one and going against all senses.

And he could feel himself expecting, even craving, the fall.

* * *

It’s a cold day when the hours pass like a ticking bomb and Xukun doesn’t appear.

With every growing moment, Zhengting feels restless. He’s always been a worrier. The kind of person who cares about everyone and watches over everything. Who feels lost and out of control when he doesn’t know how to help others and fix things. Now, with the lack of knowledge over one of the ones he loves most, his mind automatically falls into the worst scenarios.

He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Xukun is sick, or hurt. He doesn’t even dare think about him dying, because it’s like his heart is tearing itself apart with no control. Keeping himself behind the rocks, he hopes and pleads and prays to every God and being around to bring him back to him. He is over reacting, he knows, but one of Zhengting’s biggest fears is being left behind, being left alone. He tries to calm down and think positively, but it’s hard to do so when the sun hides behind the clouds and the weather closes down like the premise of a horror story.

He’s scared. So, so scared.

And then he isn’t. Then he isn’t, because Xukun comes running through the sand almost stumbling, with wet hair and red cheeks, and starts apologizing – _my teacher held me up and then there was an insane traffic because there was an accident so my bus took really long to get there and then to get here and –_ but Zhengting isn’t listening anymore, because Xukun is here and he is okay and he is so relieved he could cry. He might be crying, he figures, as he reaches a trembling hand to hold the other’s, and he is suddenly glad that the ocean excuses his tears as anything other than what they are. He’d rather not explain such an awkward reaction to him.

\- Peace offering? – Xukun asks with an awkward smile, raising one of the cups in his hands, and Zhengting laughs because this is so ridiculous and so _Xukun_ and he can’t believe he’d apologize for something he can’t control. It’s also funny because, now that he thinks about it, there were many reasons why he could be late, even if it was almost 3 hours, and he always has an explanation about things. Funny because of course he wouldn’t have just left him, not when he never gave him a reason to believe otherwise.

\- Thank you. - He says, because he knows that the younger one understands that it’s okay. He doesn’t even know what a latte is, but he suddenly thinks it’s his favorite drink in the world because Xukun got it for him, thought about him, and that makes it all the more precious. Still, through his smiles, he knows that the man knows how worried he was.

\- I won’t leave you, you know that right? I promise. – He says, casually, as if it’s an obvious thing that shouldn’t need to be addressed. - I’m here, okay? I’ll always be here.

And Zhengting falters because this was the moment he realized he wanted to love him for all eternity. However, he’d heard a lot of stories from his mother. Stories about how you should never make promises that you can’t keep, about how you don’t know the future so you should never swear upon it. Stories about how she got hurt one too many times for trusting herself to the wrong person, and how it was only luck that saved her from giving her heart away. But Zhengting, oh, Zhengting had always been too naive and loving and trusting. So he opens the clasp around his neck and slips it around Xukun’s. The scale he ripped apart from his own tail as he reached majority, the symbol of his blood and soul and sacrifice, glitters playfully against the younger man’s skin, as if it was always meant to be there. So he opens his mouth, and believes:

\- It’s my gift, to you. Don’t ever take it out, okay? As long as you love and care for me, just don’t take it out.

* * *

The day Xukun met Ziyi was the best day of his life. It’s funny, because as he thought this, he almost had the feeling that he was forgetting something. The impression stayed on the back of his mind all the way home even as he got enthusiastic about their planned meeting. He didn’t drop his phone the whole way, texting away with excited and nervous fingers, because this was his opportunity of doing all the things he wanted to share with someone, but never could.

It’s like they clicked, and it was not a feeling that he felt often. Being with Ziyi was comfortable, known. It was talking about casual things and putting words in each other’s mouths. Finding common points and common dreams and planning hangout meetings in places all around, exploring the world together. He had known him for less than a day, but it felt like years. As if Xukun could handle all the stress and awkwardness of life to spend a couple moments just living. It was hard to describe the feeling in his chest, but if he truly had to put it in words, he’d say it was love at first sight. He was not in love with him, of course, but he rather loved what Ziyi made him feel. And he loved who he could be when they were together.

The thing about love is that it fools even the most careful people.

The thing about people is that they can fool themselves.

Sometimes, you meet the love of your life and you let them go because you could never figure out or even imagine just how much they could, and should, have meant to you. Sometimes, you meet someone that maybe will never make you as happy as you could be, but that you figure is the one meant for you because of the circumstances. Sometimes, the love of your life means having to sacrifice and struggle to sustain that love, so you fool yourself and make yourself fall in love with someone else. Sometimes they are just as good for you, sometimes they aren’t. The cruel thing about the future is that you can never know what a different choice could change.

Love is never easy, and neither is falling or being in love.

Falling in love comes with conflicting thoughts and choices. Love itself is compromising. Love is going out of your way to see the person who makes you forget your troubles, who listens to you above their own concerns. Love is not minding having to adapt your ideas because of them, but also the strength and spontaneity of letting them pursue their own. Love is getting a gift on the way with no reason at all, but just because it reminded you of them. Love is taking care, being present, walking a path with that person even when it’s hard.

Sometimes, love is none of that.

Love doesn’t need a grand gesture. It doesn’t need to be passionate or self-sacrificing. All that it needs to survive is for you to remember and believe in it.

Occasionally, love can be just sitting still and listening to the quiet, or carefully looking over someone so that they don’t get hurt. Occasionally, it’s enough that you are there and that you’ll do your best to remain – and that, even if you go, it won’t be because you gave up, but because you had no choice.

Occasionally, love is falling out of love but still needing them, still pursuing them because you can’t give up the big part of life they represent for you. And maybe you hurt them by doing that, because it’s selfish of you. And maybe you don’t even notice when you fall for someone else. And maybe you still love them so, so deeply, just not in the same way again. Maybe you love them more than anything, but you choose to be with someone else because you aren’t strong enough to love that intensely. That’s all okay, because that’s all part of life. We make our choices, and although we put our hearts into many things, we can’t always dedicate ourselves to all of them. But that doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes regret or feel guilty about the choices we make. It also doesn’t mean we don’t brush those feelings aside.

So, when Xukun lied on his bed that night and relaxed for the first time, finally feeling the stiffness in his muscles, he sat back up in shock. He could hear the turbulent waves through the open window mocking him, and it was honestly ridiculous since you couldn’t possibly hear the sea from his home, close as it may be. After the initial shock was over, he dropped back down and went to sleep, because, he reasoned, one missed meeting – one mistake – didn’t mean anything.

But one thing leads to another, and, months later, he wonders if this was the day in which it all went wrong.

* * *

The day Xukun first skipped their meetings on the beach was the day when Zhengting first felt afraid.

It’s like the day he was late all over again. His heart twists and turns in his chest in ways he can’t describe. He is calmer this time, maybe because he’s been through it once, but as the night grows nearer and Xukun stays unseen, he welcomes the ghosts that come to haunt him.

He stays. He stays for hours on end. Stays so late that his only companions are the scary swoosh of the wind and the revolting sway of the waves. The air around him is frighteningly cold and suddenly there’s this fear that he’ll freeze in place. His teeth are shattering but he can’t give up, can’t leave because ‘what if he arrives here and I’m not here, what if he worries?’. So, he stays. He stays as midnight comes and goes, trembling his way into the unknown until his limbs are so cold and he is so tired that he doesn’t even have the energy to shiver any longer.

He feels the pain in his waist from holding himself up all night, the soreness in his arms from keeping him floating, the fatigue that makes it harder and harder to keep his eyes open through the stinging sensation the lack of sleep brings. His throat aches from the night wind and the sun says hello, peeking from the clouds and startling him. His heart cracks, but doesn’t break, not yet, as he lets his body fall back and disappear in the blue infinity underneath him, grabbing onto the last sliver of hope in his eyes and swearing to return.

The next day, Xukun is there as if nothing happened, and Zhengting doesn’t ask him anything.

He doesn’t dare.

* * *

He sees a glimpse of navy blue against pure clear waters.

There’s something off about it, not the refreshing deep color from Zhengting’s tail, but rather moodier and grayer. Xukun wonders for a second if it’s really been such a long time that he’s started to forget these details about him, but brushes it off. He takes a step back before he notices it. The man who comes out of the water is undoubtedly beautiful, however his face is stern and serious around the mirthful look in his eyes. It’s a carefree person out of their element: scared, angry and decided. Xukun is almost afraid of him.

\- Who are you? – He asks, but the man doesn’t answer.

It’s like the air stills. The sea is gelid against his toes and the sun is burning his back. He feels uncomfortable, but the wonder and tenseness clouding his mind don’t let him move. The merman floats closer and his muscles don’t shift, and it seems supernatural and powerful and everything that should send Xukun running far away from there, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even know why.

\- Who are you? – He repeats, not expecting an answer. The man is studying him with the same cunning and cold look from before, but although he doesn’t seem completely satisfied with what he finds, he relaxes his expression and nods in his direction.

\- I am Justin, but this does not matter to you. – His voice carries over the ocean that cracks in rumbling foam around his feet. – What does matter is my brother.

\- Who? – Xukun wonders, speaking before he even fully processes the words. He feels stupid seconds later, because it should, and was, obvious.

\- Well, take a guess, why don’t you? – He snaps teasingly but with enough bite, and the grin on his face seems scarily comfortable. Justin makes a motion as if he intends to roll his eyes but thinks better on it, looking disapprovingly at him as if the barely concealed annoyance in his eyes will give him the answer. – Zhengting, of course.

They stay in silence for a long time. The clearly younger man’s eyes run through him and he looks shatteringly sad every time they reach the sand. He seems to make his mind about speaking many times, but gives up on each and every one of them as his expression grows more and more troubled. Then, he sighs resigned, as if he knows that something terrible is to come and that he cannot stop it.

\- You could make him or break him. – Justin says, and the ocean pulls him back as if trying to stop him, but he doesn’t disappear until he has the last word. – I’d be careful if I were you.

* * *

When he sees his brother coming down from the beach to meet him in deep waters, he knows that he took matters into his own hands.

He feels angry, but also thankful. If he is being honest, he knows that he is not hurting only himself when he treats himself like this, acting like he isn’t that important and as if it isn’t painful every time he sees the love slip further and further away from Xukun’s eyes, but he can’t help himself. He can’t stop himself. It’s silly, he knows, to keep pretending when the future is so clear. If the eyes are the windows of the soul, than Xukun’s soul loves him no more. That’s the upstanding truth. The unacceptable truth.

They are growing apart. They are growing apart and there is nothing that Zhengting can do about it.

Nevertheless, he’s always been a believer. One to hope the future will bring good things, that it’ll surprise him positively. It may be a childish way of looking at life in a world such as this, with more pain and disappointment than can be measured, but it always made him happier than his peers. Always made disasters easier to handle. He’s the kind of person that suffers more for others than for himself, because he pushes his concerns away as smaller than they are until they catch up to him and he breaks down. It’s not a healthy way to deal with things, but it works. It works because he’s stronger now, because he can keep himself afloat even through the shipwrecks.

He feels like it’s his duty. Being the eldest son of seven brothers, it always fell to him to guide and help them. He was the responsible one. The one allowed no mistakes. This also meant that he dealt with every problem on his own, since he never felt like he had the right to bother anyone with things that, comparatively, didn’t seem that worrying. So, despite wanting support, he kept going. Now, years and years later, that’s still how it goes. How it should go. Only this time is worse, because he can feel himself struggling to manage all these feelings. He feels lost, and it’s hard to organize his thoughts like this so it’s hard for him to not be haunted by them. He feels the break down coming, and he really hopes he’ll survive it all.

And through it there’s Justin. He knows all his brothers care about him deeply, that they all want to help, but Justin has always been way too clever for his own good. His observant nature makes it easy for him to pick up on things that others would easily miss, so when he notices Zhengting’s schedule change and confronts it about it, all Zhengting can do is ask him to keep it a secret. Justin doesn’t question him. One of the reasons they are so close is that, despite his loud and mischievous nature, he always knows the time to stop and be serious, always knows when not to push for questions that have no answer. Still, every time Zhengting leaves their home behind, he feels his gaze burning his back in concern. The youngest never says anything, but the warning is there and it makes him feel safer, somehow.

It also makes it more painful. Makes him feel ashamed and guilty, because it’s like he’s choosing Xukun over them. Because even when his meetings with Xukun turn from pleasing adventures into hours of waiting for nothing by the beach, or into hours of harmful conversations where all Xukun talks about is another man, Zhengting still goes back to him every day. And, still, Justin is always there to welcome him back with no words and no judgement besides a sad regretful smile. He never says anything. Never until one day he does, only one phrase, but it’s enough to break his whole world apart.

\- What’s so good about the one who makes you cry like this?

And it hurts. It hurts because he can’t stop, because he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to stop. It hurts because he doesn’t know anymore, doesn’t know anything at this point, except for his own tears. He’s trying so hard to make sense of everything, to try and make a choice that will save him from pain, but he can’t figure it all. Maybe he started depending too much on Xukun, maybe his days are so focused on him that he has nothing if he doesn’t have him. It’s ridiculous, though, because he has so much beauty and people around him, people that actually care about him, but it feels dim.

He wishes he could be the ruler of his own heart, but it’s been long since he noticed that he isn’t. That he has never been and will never be.

* * *

There is a weird shadow in Zhengting’s eyes and he doesn’t know what it’s about. Of course, he has his guesses. He knows that he's made many mistakes and that he's been neglecting him all this while, but he can't help but wonder if it's fair that Zhengting is not happy about his happiness. 

Xukun has always been a lonely person. Even when he stood out, he wasn't the kind of person that others approach, simply because of his strong aura. Those that did, never really lasted, be it because of their choice or because of the circumstances. When he met _him_ he felt so happy to have his days filled again, to be able to share his every moment with someone that could just freely and with no obligation be by his side. Yes, meeting Ziyi was nice, because regardless of caring about Zhengting, there were just things that he'd never understand. It's not his fault, he knows. Whenever he thinks like this, whenever he lets his mind go off on this tangent with no control, he feels immediately regretful and guilty. Zhengting always tries so hard for him. To remember all these new things Xukun talks about, and to seem enthusiastic even about those he doesn't understand. If he is being honest, Xukun should be the one feeling sorry all this time, because he might not put as much effort. He never asks about his day or wonders about how it is under the waves that he is so used to seeing. He is content with talking about himself and Zhengting doesn't seem to mind, so it takes way too long for him to realize that he knows way too little about the boy whose love belongs to him.

He lets it go, however, because thinking about it puts the blame on him and he doesn't deal well with that.

And so, he lives like this. He carries the days and talks about Ziyi a lot even when it hurts Zhengting, because he needs to make sure that this new friendship will last. And he knows Zhengting will understand, he knows because he always does and maybe he is taking advantage of it, but it's just fine because this is going to stop soon, he tells himself. This is just as they get to know one another, he lies, and then he'll never neglect Zhengting again. Even as he says this in his head, he knows that he's already going against it. It's complicated, because he keeps blaming Zhengting for his choices, when he hasn't done anything at all. He blames him for not going out of the water even if he has no control over it. He blames him for not immediately getting his references even if that's a whole new world for him, even if he tries. He blames him for all this and more, and then, he blames him for not blaming him, because he needs to put the guilt in someone and Zhengting is too  _good_.

Zhengting is too nice because they both know what is happening. Even if they try to lie to themselves, even if Xukun keeps pretending that he isn't doing this, they don't meet as much or talk as much as before. Zhengting is still one of the most beautiful and lovely people he's seen, but now Ziyi shares that spot so he also shares his time in between them both. He feels terrible, honestly, but he's always halfway through his action when he notices what it truly means to their relationship. When he notices that it may mean that the end is near.

It's terrifying and unfair. Why should he make a choice? Why can't he have both? But even he knows that following through with things the way they are is gonna hurt them over even more than they already are. Still, he tries. He tries and pushes through because it's okay if they stumble a little, as long as them adapt themselves. It's okay to bleed before you find your place.

What he never realizes is that, although the scrapes in his arms sting, it's Zhengting's heart that bleeds uncontrollably. 

* * *

Today, Xukun is not alone. There is a strange man with him and, for a while, Zhengting stays away because he fears he’d been wrong all this time and that Xukun was indeed a threat. He breathes in all the courage he can muster and rises in the water like a prince, calm and beautiful even through the confusion in his heart. He trusts him. He knows that he, through all the mistakes he’s made, would never willingly hurt him, so he swims closer until they are both startled out of their conversation.

\- You’re here. – Zhengting says, and realizes that he’s genuinely surprised. Sad, how things have changed.

\- Hi. – Xukun whispers. He seems embarrassed for a bit, but his feet shuffle until he sits near him on the sand. Zhengting looks away into the rocks where they spent so long together, to where he carried the younger man so that they’d have a special unreachable place just theirs, and forces a smile.

\- Hello. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? – He looks back at him. He knows he is hurting the other, but the words are out before he notices. Seeing the awkwardness in his stance and tenseness in his shoulders, Zhengting smiles more genuinely. Despite his fears and pain, he should be the better person and not fault him for it. Maybe there’s a reason behind anything. He decides to believe and forgive, so he looks into Xukun’s eyes and lets his fondness show through. – It’s nice to see you again.

The smaller man seems to be shocked and even conflicted for a second, before accepting the conversation starter and running off on words. He listens for a minute before turning his eyes to the man beside him that, although tense, doesn’t look scared. He looks rough. Strong and powerful, but kind behind his closed off features. There is a clever curve in his lips that makes his face look more intimidating. Zhengting can imagine his smile, and he feels welcomed.

\- And you are? – He asks even if he knew the answer, startling the one who did not expect the question. Looking at Xukun through the corner of his eyes, he can see the small surprise at having forgotten the introductions. Then, he stares at the man and his eyes are like dripping honey, so sweet and loving that Zhengting holds his breath for a while. _Oh_.

\- I’m Ziyi. – He says, voice sounding more pleasant than his appearance made the merman expect. He doesn’t elaborate, but he doesn’t need to, because anyone that brings out so much care in Xukun can’t be anything other than perfect.

And that’s that. The afternoon stretches into the night both fast and torturously and, in the middle of a conversation with his lover and _his_ best friend, Zhengting feels oddly left out. He tries to reason with himself that he is being paranoid, that Xukun still loves him just as much as he always did, but he can’t help the shivers than run through him every time their eyes meet and Xukun’s eyes grow progressively colder and more detached. He wants to hate Ziyi too, for causing this, but he can’t because it’s not his fault. He can’t because of course he’d fall for Xukun, it’s impossible not too, so it’s Zhengting’s fault for not being able to be good enough to deserve being loved back.

The thing is that Ziyi is everything that he isn’t. He looks intense, but speaks slowly and softly, with care and comprehension even to those he doesn’t know yet. He rambles about dreams and understands Xukun’s thoughts before they are spoken out. He starts with a laugh and ends with a smile, whereas Zhengting is all brashness hidden in pretty compassion that makes his voice carry over seas and earth.

And maybe Zhengting is more beautiful and funny and overall perfect, but he isn’t Ziyi. Most importantly, he isn’t human. He never compared himself to anyone before, never lacked confidence before, but he can’t stop himself now. Not when the only connection he had with Xukun was the sea, the one thing they loved more than anything. Not when Ziyi is making Xukun fall in love with the earth, a place he’ll never be able to reach.

He coughs to clear his throat and stop the tears in his eyes. They both stare at him in unison, and the light of the moon shades the silhouettes of two man that could be lovers if not for himself. He feels a bit of pride in knowing he still owns a part of Xukun’s heart, because they’d never be here if that wasn’t true, but the fear he has of losing it is real and founded. He smiles sheepishly and says “I need to go”, because if he doesn’t leave now he’ll never be able to do it. They say goodbyes and it sounds like the last ones, and Xukun doesn’t promise coming back and Zhengting wants to die because he _expects not hearing it_ and, honestly, he just wants to scream and cry and fight with him, but he can’t. He can’t because it’s no one’s fault. He can’t because it’s Xukun’s fault, but also his.

He turns his back and sinks in the water, not bearing to see the moment Ziyi takes Xukun away from him.

When he rises again, they are too far away to see and he feels a weight fall off his back. Simultaneously, it’s like the water wraps around him like shackles and breaks on his body like knives piercing his heart. His tail is heavy in more ways than one, and it stands out in the waves as if it was mocking him. Looking up into the glittering stars, he wishes for a shooting star to come so that he can beg for it to save his love in any way it can.

The star never comes.

* * *

Xukun hates himself.

It comes slowly. It’s the little things, before it grows and grows and he is so lost in self-deprecation that he almost wants to give up on doing what he thinks is right and just reshape himself, because he is clearly failing all around. But he doesn’t. He breathes in and hopes this decision will be the right one after all the mess he made in his life.

Still, he hates himself when he forgets to go see the sea, because he was too busy talking to Ziyi on the phone to remember going down the bus. He hates himself when he starts buying a latte and a macchiato in the morning when going to university instead of two lattes on his way back. He hates himself when he notices he hadn’t gone to the beach in too long, and he hates himself for feeling selfish enough that instead of feeling guilty for abandoning Zhengting, his first instinct is to be mad that the awkward situation took his safe haven away from him. He hates himself because he feels like he became a terrible person, and because he knows that Zhengting, pure, beautiful, kind Zhengting, will probably be willing to forgive him for all this pain.

He hates himself when he looks at Ziyi and feels love blossom in half of his heart, while the other part, while _Zhengting_ , slowly dims and withers and dies until there is nothing left. He wonders if, maybe, it would all have been different if he hadn’t neglected him as he tried to reinforce his relationship with Ziyi, after they just met. If maybe he’d still be in love with the latter had he only kept the first place in his heart stored away for the sea because, he realizes, Zhengting is the sea. And maybe he had started being unfaithful the moment he allowed Zhengting to take away the spot, the moment he threw safety and comfort away for an overflowing passion that, he now realized, could be replaced. But, at the same time, he feels like he loves Ziyi in a way that he’s never felt before and never will feel again. They are soulmates, he’s sure of it, but his heart is still heavy in a way he knows will never leave him. It hurts. It hurts and yet he has no right to complain because he knows it’ll hurt even more on Zhengting.

He hates himself for still thinking about the taste of Zhengting’s lips and the feel of his waist in his hands. Hates himself for being selfish and daring love him even as he gives up on him for someone that he loves more. It’s like he is making the best choice and the biggest mistake at the same time and he hates and hates and hates himself for not being able to avoid this all.

He especially hates himself when he takes Zhengting’s necklace off and doesn’t even regret it.

* * *

Zhengting understands it, the second the choice is made. It’s like a shift in the water. One second, he is swimming in calm warm waves, and the next, everything feels colder and harsher. He doesn’t need an explanation to know that Xukun made his choice, and that it wasn’t him.

He lets himself be carried by the tide, until the beach is within the reach of his eyes. He knows the younger is coming. Regardless of not loving him, Xukun is the kind of man that will feel obligated to give him an explanation, whether it’s needed or not. Indeed, it doesn’t take the latter more than a couple hours to reach the place. He walks calmly, regally, crushing the sand underneath his boots with every step like he’s crushing Zhengting’s heart. Rationally, he knows that Xukun owes him nothing. Knows that he was the one that fell too deeply and too fast, that was so accustomed to breathe underwater that never realized there were different types of drowning. It makes him feel somehow pathetic.

They stand in silence for what feels like decades. It rather seems like a funeral, before Xukun finally opens his mouth to start speaking.

\- You don’t need to say anything. – Zhengting interrupts him, if it could even be called that. The other snaps his mouth shut, a confused and awkward look on his face. He looks like he’d rather be anywhere and in any situation other than the one he found himself in, at that moment. The merman takes a breath before shifting his eyes from the clear water until their gazes locked. – In fact, it’s better if you don’t.

\- Still, I… Zhengting, I’m truly… - It’s hard for him to speak. It’s ridiculous, because he was the one who decided to come explain himself, but true nonetheless.

\- You’re not. You can’t feel sorry, because you are still doing this. You can’t regret something you haven’t done yet. You had a choice, you made it. That’s all there is to it. – He looks at the horizon because seeing Xukun’s expression only makes it harder for him to do this. He knows he sounds bitter, but he figures saying this is the only closure he’ll get. - Honestly, you don’t even have anything to be sorry for. If this is the right choice for you, the one you want, then you have no reason to regret making it. I don’t blame you. Maybe I deserve this. This is all my doing in the end, isn’t it, for falling for you and expecting too much? There is no reason for you to fall for someone like me. You are choosing what makes you happy, and you have every right to do that. I’m happy for you, truly. I just wish you hadn’t stranded me along for so long, because maybe then I’d have a chance of… But it’s okay. You don’t need to pity me. You don’t need to change your mind. There is only one thing I ask of you.

\- What? – He asks, because it’s the least he can do for him, because one last wish is less than what Zhengting deserves.

\- Since he is the one you love, love him even more than I love you.

He doesn’t say anything else before turning his back and swimming into deep waters. He goes fast, faster than ever, and his tears are lost in the water surrounding him. He’s suddenly thankful for not being able to know whether he’s truly crying or not, because he’s already vulnerable enough without that knowledge. He thinks back on Xukun, alone with the rumbling wind on the edge of the sand, and smiles bitterly as he wonders if he truly understands what he meant by his words.

He feels the moment the necklace falls into the cold waves and breathes as a cold chill runs through him. He stops so abruptly that the water wanders around him, confused. Although knowing that Xukun meant well, that he just wants to return what is rightfully his, Zhengting can’t help the bitter knowledge that is realizing that he’ll never understand that when you love so deeply you give your whole heart away, there is no way of getting it back. That returning the necklace is like returning the broken pieces of a love that will never be restored to perfection, even if glued together. He considers going back for it, keeping the memories to himself if anything, but even he knows that’d only make things worse.

The pain in his chest is weighing him down and he swims and swims and _sinks_ until he is so down below that the water is dark and murky around him. He cries until his tears die and his heart shrivels up and freezes like stone, but it’s only a matter of time until the waves that crash against rocks in the sea destroy them.

With him, it’s no different.

_On the glittering sand of the coast and under translucent water salted like tears, to be worn out by time and hidden by the waves that cover him in earth and dust, Zhengting’s heart lies beautiful and broken._

**Author's Note:**

> This idea originally came when I saw the ‘Quit Smoking’ performance. Zhengting’s clothes made me think about selkies for some unknown reason and, from there, I was inspired very loosely to write this idea. Like a selkie’s skin can give a man the control over him or her, since they can’t return home, I toyed with the idea of how giving your heart to someone can give them control over your fate and happiness. The moment they break your heart, it is not easy or even possible for you to trust it to anyone ever again. On the other hand, if they protect and love it, then you can be the happiest person ever.  
> In this, Zhengting’s and Xukun’s relationship is held back by the fact that although Zhengting was madly in love with Xukun, Xukun was more in love with the idea of what Zhengting represented to him. The sea. Safety. His only friend. So when he met Ziyi, someone he could have an easier and ‘more normal’ relationship with, he was able to let go of the illusion he created because he had someone to fill in the cracks in his life that Zhengting, as a merman, would never be able to fill.  
> So, as I write about Zhengting’s necklace, it all seems very magical but it can all be interpreted as a moment of realization. If the necklace symbolizes his heart, giving it to Xukun is the moment he puts himself in his most vulnerable state in is hands. The moment Xukun takes it off is when he loses interest and care for it, and similarly the moment Zhengting realizes that it’s going to end. When Xukun throws it into the sea, it shows how, after a relationship ends, some people think they can fix things easily but it may not be so. And Zhengting not getting it back can either mean he gave up on his happiness and on healing himself, or show that he wasn’t ready to move on. (Which, in a way, is connected) That, sometimes, although you try to leave things behind, the shadows of them keep hurting you for a long time and making you waste away in that remaining sliver of sadness.


End file.
